It’s been a minute since I’ve been on this page. Warning: super vulnerable, rambling post here.
I’ve been wrestling with decisions regarding this blog. If you could only see inside my brain! I won’t bore you with all I’ve been wrestling with, but I was very strongly considering closing this little corner down permanently. I actually had it scheduled to be deleted, but have reconsidered–with a few caveats.
I struggle, big time, with imposter syndrome.
I struggle with the shame scripts running through my head. The ones that say,
“Who do you think you are to write anything, anyway?” and
“Nobody cares, so sit down and be quiet!” and
“You’re just going to end up looking stupid.”
I struggle with a very real fear that I will say something wrong and hurt someone.
I struggle with a very real fear of being judged as a bad person by self-righteous or unthinking people.
And I hate, absolutely hate, when something that I have put tons of time and energy into is immediately dismissed as incorrect or unimportant. For me to share something I’m learning about or care about, it’s like I’m sharing an actual piece of myself. I know it isn’t my identity, but it can feel as if it is. So to be rudely or casually dismissed or put down feels like a humiliating rejection of myself as a valid person.
I’m not saying these are necessarily healthy struggles to have. I’m just explaining what I’ve been dealing with and processing for awhile. These fears and feelings are real and while fears and feelings shouldn’t be dismissed without considering them, they don’t always tell the whole truth.
All that being said, the truth is that I do have things to say. I do have things I want to share. I love sharing what’s in my head and finding out it was helpful or relatable to someone.
But I need a safe place to do that in, and the conclusion I’ve come to is that Coffee with Sprinkles isn’t really that place. Which is okay, because that was never its intent! Coffee with Sprinkles was created as a place to raise awareness and funds for orphan care, and to bring “sprinkles” of joy to vulnerable kids. That was the whole point, and it’s okay for it to keep being that.
In all honesty, the real dream for Coffee with Sprinkles is for it to be an actual, real life place. A book cafe, where all the proceeds go towards best-practice orphan care. I can’t tell you how much I would still love to see that happen.
For now, I’m going to do my best to move forward with an online version of that. I genuinely hope you will stick around.
But there are a lot of other things, too, on my heart and mind. Truth be told, in many ways I’m not the same person I was when I first started this blog. I see many things differently. Clearer. Some things are not as clear as they once were.
I’ve seen a lot. Learned a lot. Re-learned a lot. Un-learned some things.
I’ve hurt a lot. Healed a lot. I’ve let go of a lot. Lost a lot.
I’ve gained so much.
I’m realizing who I am, who I’m not, and who I don’t have to be.
I’ve been on a quiet journey for quite awhile now. A walk, you could say, towards a life of freedom, authenticity, wholeheartedness, and perspective. I’m studying about shame, abuse, trafficking, marriage, family, emotional and mental health, fundamentalism, empathy, personality, and identity in Christ.
And I think for all of that I need a different space to write and share. A safe and honest place where I can just be me and dive deep below the water line of the things that matter to me. There are heavy, intimidating things that I feel God asking me to share, things I’m still wrestling with, but they need to be shared in the right place at the right time.
I know all of us are on our own journeys at different places on those journeys, and these topics might not be what you need or want right now. But for anyone who is walking (or deep-diving) on a similar path, I’ve started a new Facebook page. A place where I am just me and you can just be you, and where it is okay to wrestle with hard topics.
As far as Coffee with Sprinkles—I LOVE this space! I don’t want to let it go. I’m going to keep on sharing about books and coffee and pretty things I love—but always for a purpose. To raise awareness and funds for best-practice orphan care, I’ll be sharing lots of book reviews and affiliate links, and every cent will continue to go towards that purpose.
Thanks for letting me ramble, and to those of you who have stuck around from the beginning of this little blog, THANK YOU.